A Rather Bunny Story
by popecatapetal
Summary: Surreal account of what happens when a Dark Lord has a mid life crisis. OneShot.


I was tired and just out of an exam when I wrote this to reduce some stress. Apologies for everything. I am not JK Rowling, etc, etc. Enjoy.

1.

"Dum de dum de dum", hummed the Dark Lord, as he lay on his stomach on the grass. He had a happy smile on his snake-ish face, and he waved his feet merrily in the air. He picked up a daisy and tried to tuck it behind his ear, but realized he had none, and began pulling the petals off it instead.

Horrified, the Death Eaters looked on from the shadows. Lucius Malfoy stepped forward cautiously, hands outstretched in a calming manner. "Your Lordship?" he asked quietly. "Would you like to come inside? I believe there are prisoners awaiting your attentions."

"Are there bunny rabbits?" called the Dark Lord, eagerly.

"Erm…" Lucius Malfoy hesitated, clearly at a loss. He turned to the other hooded figures for help. They shrank back even further. He was clearly on his own for this. "Um, no, no bunny rabbits, my lord. There are some -"

But he was cut off by Lord Voldemort's flailing feet coming sharply into contact with his shins, as the most evil dark wizard in the world began to throw a tantrum. He wailed and screamed and beat his fists on the ground, yelling "Wanna wanna wanna BUNNY!"

Lucius leapt backwards out of range of the still-beating legs, and tried to whisper soothing noises to calm the Dark Lord down. After a few minutes, the movements grew fainter, and finally, Lord Voldemort sank down to the grass again, and curled into a ball, his thumb in his mouth. Lucius Malfoy sighed, and crouched down beside his master. "Would you like to go… beddy byes?" he said quietly, scarlet-faced. The Dark Lord nodded sleepily. Lucius rested his face in his hands for a few moments, then picked up Lord Voldemort and carried him, cradled in his arms, towards his lair. Or as it was probably now known, Housie.

2.

Once the Dark Lord had been tucked into his cot with his teddy bear, Lucius hurried out into the main hall to the other Death Eaters. Who had all left. Emitting muffled roars, which sounded more like squawks, Lucius Malfoy danced furiously around the stone room in an effort to relieve his feelings while not awakening his master.

A quiet cough sounded from one of the corners. Lucius froze, balanced on one toe, and tried to peer around while keeping his balance. After picking himself up off the ground and dusting himself off, he whispered "Who's there?"

"It is I, Snape," came the reply, as a shadow peeled itself from the dusty walls and became a hooded figure. It sounded amused. Lucius attempted to regain his pale and icy demeanour, but it was difficult when there was a spider delving deeper and deeper into his robes. After a swift wiggle, to dislodge the beastie, he coughed and turned back to Snape, straightening his clothing once more.

"What did you do to him?!" he hissed at Snape, glaring at him to prevent more amusement at his expense. "He's acting like he's four years old!"

Snape stared haughtily at him. "It is nothing to do with me," he sniffed. "But I am going to have to take him with me to the Castle. I have no potions supplies with me, and I do not think that this will wear off of its own accord. In fact, I believe time is of the essence – the rejuvenation potion can continue to have an effect unless the antidote is given promptly. You will have to accompany me," he added, drawing his travelling cloak on over his robes.

"I beg your pardon?!" Lucius whispered, outraged. "Why do I have to spend another minute with that lunatic?!"

"I will require someone to keep him occupied while I prepare the antidote. Who else do you suggest I ask?" He gestured about the empty chamber, his eyebrow raised in a cooly sarcastic expression.

Lucius' shoulders slumped. "I suppose I shall be the one to carry him?" Snape smirked as he apparated away. "But of course," Lucius muttered to himself, as he returned to the Dark Lord's bed chamber and awoke him gently from his nappie-nap. The screeching loud in his ears, he disapparated after Severus, a headache beginning to throb at his temples. It was going to be a long, long night.

3.

Lucius sank down into the armchair, his arm over his face. He was just sinking into sleep when Snape's voice rang in his ears. "You cannot just leave him here. He will be waking up soon, and I do not want the Final Battle to begin in my private quarters. Bring him home."

Lucius gave a quiet sob as he forced himself upright once more, and bent over Lord Voldemort once more. "I have to carry him all the way down to Hogsmeade again?" he whimpered. Snape nodded, a smirk on his face. Moaning softly, Lucius heaved the sleeping Dark Lord into his arms for what he hoped was the last time.

Stumbling slightly, he made his way through the deserted corridors of the school. He was almost at the entrance hall when he bumped into… nothing? The nothing said "Ow! You stepped on my toe! You bloody stepped on my bloody toe!"

Lucius shook his head vigorously to wake himself up. When the cursing in front of him didn't stop, he quickly lowered Voldemort to the ground, then groped about in front of himself until his fingers brushed against an invisible cloak… An invisibility cloak! He tugged at it, and gaped as Harry Potter sprang into existence before him, hopping on one foot in his pajamas and clutching his bare toe.

When Potter noticed that he was no longer invisible, he peered slowly up at his unveiler, and said "What are you doing here?" at the same time as Lucius Malfoy did. "Nothing!" they both quickly responded.

Potter glanced down, examining his toe again, and suddenly noticed the Dark Lord lying at his feet. "Um…" he said, intelligently.

Lord Voldemort chose this moment to wake from his antidote-induced sleep. He sat up, frowning slightly, and poked himself in a number of places. "Crap. It didn't work," he said, grumpily.

"What didn't work?" asked Harry, curiously.

"My re-youngening potion. I'm fed up of all this fighting and commanding and torturing. I just want to be four years old and live in a castle with a bunny rabbit." He glanced up to see who he was talking to. "Oh. It's you. Well, if you're going to kill me, get it over with, would you? I'd like to start my next life quite soon. Who knows, maybe I'll be a rabbit." He stayed sitting on the floor, his eyes closed and an expectant look on his face.

Harry Potter stared down at him, blinking. "A… a rabbit" he asked. The Dark Lord nodded. "Wait right here!" Harry said excitedly. "I know it's here somewhere!" He got down on all fours and began patting the ground around his feet. "Aha!" he cried, and jerked his hand. With a flourish, a tiny invisibility cloak flew off a small white rabbit, which twitched its nose and hopped into Lord Voldemort's lap. A huge smile spread over the Dark Lord's face as he hugged the little bunny tight to his chest. Harry Potter looked on triumphantly.

Suddenly, a pop sounded about the hallway, and a ghost appeared in mid air. The milky white spectre of Albus Dumbledore peered down at them, beaming happily. "Ah, Harry! I knew you would figure it out eventually! This is of course exactly what the prophecy foretold all along. Congratulations my boy!"

And Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore and Lord Voldemort and his bunny rabbit all danced about the hallway, chanting (except for the rabbit) "The war is over, the war is over, no more war, no more war, la la la la la la, la la la la la la, dum de dum, dum de dum!"

Lucius Malfoy looked blankly at them, then turned to the wall and said "Ah, I see, it's just a dream," and turned into a newt.

4.

Severus Snape awoke and lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "What an odd dream," he remarked, shaking his head.

"I do agree," said a little white rabbit, hopping up onto the bed beside him. "Why on earth wasn't I able to talk?"

"I have no idea."


End file.
